The Jerry Shakespeare Show
by Britz Bitz Candy
Summary: This is a play that I wrote, directed and acted in. It was taken to the Summerland Goodwill Shakespeare Festival in May 2003. It's basically Jerry Springer and Shakespeare...Note: The storylines of the plays are a bit warped. We changed em a bit.


Jerry Shakespeare  
  
Jerry: Hello! And WELCOME to the Jerry Shakespeare Show! Today on the Jerry Shakespeare Show - Tales of love and how they went wrong!  
  
[Enter Lady MacBeth, literally dragging MacBeth onstage. L.M., ecstatic to be on TV begins waving to the crowd and giggling girlishly. While she does so MacBeth tries to sneak offstage. LM spots him, freaks out, then drags him to his seat.]  
  
Jerry: So, why are we here today?  
  
Lady MacBeth: Well you see--  
  
Macbeth: I don't even want to be here, Jerry.  
  
Jerry: I understand that you're a king, eh? [nudges him]  
  
MacBeth: Yeah, thats right. You see--  
  
Lady MacBeth: That's the reason we're here Jerry! I'm tired of being in the Shadow of MacBeth! I do everything around here - I make all the descisions and yet HE gets all the credit.  
  
MacBeth: Oh honey, that's so not true.   
  
Lady MacBeth: [irritated] Oh it's so true! You'd be lost without me! [stands up on her chair] I had you kill Duncan! I had you kill Banquo! You'd have never had a shot at being king if it weren't for me!  
  
MacBeth: You made me kill my best friend. [pouts] I didnt want to be king that much!  
  
Lady MacBeth: Oh yes you did!  
  
MacBeth: [raising his voice] Not for the cost of my best friend's life!  
  
Jerry: Ooooh, that's a pickle of a problem. [pauses to fix his hair] And on that note, here's our next guest, Lysa-  
  
Lady MacBeth: Wait! You haven't solved our problem yet!  
  
Jerry: [quietly] Listen sweetcakes, this is a busy show. We'll get back to you. Now just sit there are smile pretty for the camera [at the mention of 'camera' LM perks up, waving cheerfully], alright? [pats her head] And now, here's our next guest, Lysander from a Midsummer Night's Dream!  
  
[Enter Lysander, winking and waving at all the ladies in the audience. Spots Lady MacBeth]  
  
Lysander: [pauses in front of LM and 'accidentally' drops something. Bends over to pick it up, giving LM a nice view of his ass] Oops!  
  
Lady MacBeth: Oh!  
  
[MacBeth jealously pushes Lysander away from his wife.]  
  
Lysander: Woah, sorry... [keeps looking at Lady MacBeth, smiling and winking etc...backs right into Jerry] Oh! Hey Jerry.  
  
Jerry: Welcome to the show. Have a seat. Now let's get to it - You're in a Midsummer Night's Dream, right? So...what are ya, like a fairy or something?  
  
Lysander: What!? No, I'm not a fairy!  
  
Jerry: Right. So, I hear you're in love with more than one woman?  
  
Lysander:Yeah. I have this problem you see... First there was Hermia. Wow, she took my breath away! But then along came Helena...[sighs dreamily] boy was she somethin' special. [clears his throat and tries to regain composure] But uh...well...you know. You see, my problem is this - I fall in love with virtually every woman I see. Currently, I am in love with [trying to look around MacBeth who keeps blocking LM from Lysander's view] L...l-lady....la...lady...Lady MacBeth! [LM lets out a little squeal] Oh and uh.... [looking in the audience, trying to point someone out to Jerry]....that girl, right there in the audience.  
  
Jerry: Oh, we've got a sizzler of a show today! Well, I'm hungry....anyone have any cake? [goes into the audience searching for food]  
  
[Enter Ghost of Banquo. As he walks on stage, he strikes wrestling poses and grunts while showing off his muscles. Walks over and looms over MacBeth, poking him, doing annoying little things.]  
  
Lady MacBeth: [to MacBeth] Quit squirming!   
  
MacBeth: [whining] It's back though!  
  
Lady MacBeth: Oh not again! Honestly, having your little hallucinations on national televsion....  
  
MacBeth: It's not a hallucination, he's right here!  
  
Lady MacBeth: Do you want to wait in the car?  
  
MacBeth: Fine, when I'm driven mad by the ghost of my best friend who YOU MADE ME KILL, then you can believe me.  
  
Lady MacBeth: [sighs and rolls her eyes] You've already gone mad. But fine, why don't you go ahead and tell Jerry about your "little ghosts".  
  
Jerry: [practically tripping over himself to get back on stage. skids to a stop in front of MacBeth, microphone poised] Whats this about ghosts now?  
  
MacBeth: Well, you know how I killed my best friend?  
  
Jerry: Uh huh?  
  
MacBeth: Well, he keeps buzzing around and bugging me...I take a swing at him [mimes a punch] but I just go right through!  
  
Jerry: So wait, his ghost is here?  
  
MacBeth: Well, yeah.  
  
Jerry: [looking around] Ghost? What ghost? [paces the stage, stopping just in front of GoB and looks right at him] I don't see a...I dont see any...What is there a ghost right here? [moves his hands just in front of GoB] Or maybe right here? [points at him] I don't see any ghost! [pouts]  
  
MacBeth: [to Lady MacBeth] Why did you make me kill him?  
  
Lady MacBeth: I've had just about enough of you mister...  
  
Ghost of Banquo: [continuing to poke and annoy MacBeth] Ooooh, this isn't working! It's time for something new...  
  
[all of a sudden the lights go out, everyone on stage screams. cue strobe light on Banquo, who rips his tshirt and pants/shorts off to reveal a spandex wrestling outfit. does wrestling poses. lights up. Jerry is in Lysander's arms. Lysander dumps him to the floor. Banquo walks up to MacBeth, flips him, and puts him in a headlock]  
  
Ghost of Banquo: [maniacal laughter] With my newfound sense of Ghostery, I shall rule all forever and for always! And as for you...[goes back and beats on MacBeth]  
  
Jerry: [looks over to MacBeth 'beating himself up', Lady MacBeth trying to hide her face, and Lysander looking thoroughly creeped and yawns] Well, I'm bored with these characters. We'll be back after a short commercial break.   
  
MacBeth: No, don't go to a break! I'll never make it! DON'T DO IT!  
  
Jerry: CUE COMMERCIAL!  
  
MacBeth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
[Lights down. After a few seconds, the lights come back up. Macbeth is quivering on the ground. GoB stands behind his seat, which is flipped over. Lady MacBeth reluctantly stands up and goes to her husband's aid.]  
  
[Enter Security Trainee #1]  
  
Security Trainee #1: Does this guy need some help or what? [goes to help Lady MacBeth with MacBeth, who is shaking and stammering]  
  
Lady Macbeth: [sharply] I don't need your help!  
  
[Security Trainee #1 looks to audience, shrugs and walks off stage. Just as Trainee #1 Exits, #2 enters from the opposite side of the stage.]  
  
Security Trainee #2: [trying to help Lady MacBeth] Does this guy need some help or what?  
  
Lady MacBeth: [visibly confused, as are Jerry and Lysander] What? No! I already told you, NO! THANK YOU!  
  
[Security Trainee #2 looks to audience, shrugs, then walks offstage.]  
  
Lady MacBeth: [looks at MacBeth in disgust after finally getting him seated] Ugh, I can't take you anywhere!  
  
Lysander: I'd go anywhere with you baby. [halfway through saying this, Lysander notices a girl in the audience and starts walking towards her. as he passes LM, she hands him a slip of paper and mouths 'call me'. Lysander nods, then bounds off stage, runs to a girl in the audience and sits in her lap] Oh baby! Where have been hiding!   
  
Jerry: Well, now that that FREAK is gone --  
  
Lysander: Dude! I'm still right here!  
  
Jerry: Er...right...Now that that freak is gone, lets bring out Juliet from my BRILLIANT play, Romeo and Juliet.  
  
[Enter Juliet, wailing and crying. Halfway to her seat, she collapes, sobbing near the front of the stage, pounding the ground. Jerry gets up and escorts her to her seat.]  
  
Jerry: Now now...Tell us dear, what's wrong?  
  
Juliet: My boyfriend is......DEAD! [wails]  
  
Jerry: What a truly tragic turn of events. Now please, share with the audience.  
  
Juliet: [perks up a little] Well it all started when I was walking down the street one day. It was a really bad day. I mean, I ripped a hole in my dress earlier and then I didn't have enough change to --  
  
Jerry: Whoa whoa WHOA! We didn't ask for your life story, honey. Now please...Just cut to the death part.  
  
Juliet: [a bit stunned] Oh...well..um..okay. You see Jerry, it's not exactly as people think. What really happened was this. I came across Romeo fast asleep one day, so naturally I laid down beside him. Well, it was the middle of the day, and I wasn't very tired so I pulled out the sleeping potion I'd been using at night. I'd been having terrible nightmares that were keeping me up. I took a swig, but I suppose it was too much. When I woke up I looked over to see Romeo with a dagger in his chest! He must have thought I'd killed myself but as you can see, that's not the case at all! I'm still here! And without my sweet, sweet, sweet ROMEO! [collapes, crying]  
  
Jerry: [clapping] BRAVO! What a preformance! Couldn't be better if I'd written it myself! [aside to the audience] But then I did, didn't I? [chuckles]  
  
Lysander: Oh MAN, she's HOT![Lysander tears out of the audience and rushes to Juliet's side, comforting her]  
  
Jerry: Another touching moment on the Jerry Shakespeare show! Now Juliet, is it also true that you tried to take your own life after the incident?   
  
Lysander: [trying to comfort Juliet who is sobbing even louder now] You're an ass, man. Seriously. Major dick. Move on to your next guest already! It's okay, Lysander is here baby.  
  
Jerry: [rolling her eyes] Fine, fine...just remember, this is MY show. On a LIGHTER note, this next guest is someone I'm VERY proud of. She is from my new play, which is currently in the works. Here she is: APEILIA!!!  
  
[Enter Apeilia...a maiden who happens to be a monkey. Apeilia runs around, doing monkey things and generally causing havoc on stage. She also 'hits on' Lysander by picking bugs from his hair. Lysander's 'curse' kicks in and he starts mimicing her behavior (and trying to be charming) until Juliet pulls his hand away. Apeilia gets angry and smacks Juliet, then continues to cause chaos.]  
  
[Security Trainee #1 enters stage right]  
  
Security Trainee #1: So I hear there's an Ape on set. [looks around] Oh, there is. [spreads hands, adressing audience] REMAIN CALM AUDIENCE! I'm gonna need back-up on this one! BACK-UP! BACK-UP! [runs off, exiting stage right]  
  
Lady MacBeth: THAT'S your brilliant new character? [sniffs] You really are losing it. What is your new play? The Merry Monkeys of Windsor? [laughs] The Taming of the Ape?  
  
Jerry: [beconing Apeilia to his side, hugging her and covering her ears] SILENCE! You will not talk about Apeilia that way! She's brilliant! [pats the Ape's back] Go ahead.  
  
Apeilia: [takes center stage, still doing monkey things, then takes a deep breath and begins] Oh what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!  
  
The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's eye, tongue, sword;  
  
The expectancy and rose of the fair state,  
  
The glass of fashion and the mould of form,  
  
The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!  
  
And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,  
  
That suck'd the honey of his music vows,  
  
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,  
  
Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;  
  
That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youth  
  
Blasted with ecstasy: O woe is me,  
  
To see what I have seen, see what I see![during the entire speech, Apeilia adds in little monkey screeches and gestures, and by the time she is finished, she takes off, once again creating havoc]  
  
[Security Trainee #2 enters stage left]  
  
Security Trainee #2: So I hear there's an Ape on set. [looks around] Oh, there is. [spreads hands, adressing audience] REMAIN CALM AUDIENCE! I'm gonna need back-up on this one! BACK-UP! BACK-UP! [runs off, exiting stage left]  
  
Jerry: Some would say this dear Ape was modled after Ophelia. But I beg to differ! You see, I drew my true inpiration from the ghosts. It's a funny story really, you see --  
  
MacBeth: [hearing the word ghosts, screams and begins to panic] NO! Not the ghost! Not the ghost! I'm sorry Banquo! It was my wife! She made me! [GoB begins to laugh and close in on MacBeth who tries to back away but trips]  
  
[Juliet and Lysander, completely oblvious to everything look deep into each others eyes. Juliet hops into Lysander's lap and they start making out]  
  
Lady MacBeth: Oh for God's sake...wait...EXCUSE ME!? You cowardly little twit! You're useless! [grabs MacBeth's arm, but GoB has his other arm. They begin having a 'tug-o-war'] For the love of...WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!  
  
[Enter Security Trainees #1 & #2 from opposite sides of the stage. They run towards the fight, then stop center stage, spotting each other. All other cast members freeze. The Security Trainees, who are twins, mirror each other for a few minutes, poking at each other, etc to see if what they're seeing is really real]  
  
Security #1 & #2: ANTIPHOLUS!? It's you! It's really you! [Antipholus 1 & 2 have a nice big cheesy hug facing the audience. Rest of cast resumes action.]  
  
Jerry: What an unexpected turn of events! Long lost twins, finally reunited! Only on the Jerry Shakespeare Show, folks!  
  
Antipholus #1: [rolls his eyes] What d'ya say we get these turkeys out of here bro?  
  
Antipholus #2: [looks to the tug-o-war, then to Lysander and Juliet, trying not to laugh] Most definitely.  
  
[Security attempts to take LM and MacBeth offstage, but LM smacks one of them]  
  
Lady MacBeth: I...dont...need....your...[finally tugs hard enough on MacBeth's arm to make GoB let go] HELP! [falls to the ground with MacBeth then gets up, rounding angrily on Security] Well I said help, why didn't you catch me! Useless, everyone is useless! [looks down at MacBeth] Get UP! [pulls him to his feet and drags him offstage. GoB follows]   
  
[Antipholus #1 & #2 shrug, link arms and skip happily off stage]  
  
Jerry: Well, time to fill these empty seats! But first, here is some insight into our next guest...ROLL FOOTAGE! [waits a few seconds] I SAID roll footage! ...Excuse me ladies and gentleman, I think our technical staff may be fired...ROLL FOOTAGE...ah, there we are.  
  
***Note: For this part we had the footage we made projected onto a big projector screen on the stage. It was a huge pain, but it was worth it. This was the script for our mini-movie***  
  
Footage:  
  
Othello: [enters and sits at a table] Hey you guys. I'm glad you could make it, man. You guys are awesome. [pans over to a teddy bear]  
  
Teddy Bear #1: I love you Othello.  
  
Teddy Bear #2: You're hot!  
  
Othello: I love you too. You guys are my best friends.  
  
[Enter Desdemona. Looks over to Othello, a look of shock and horror on her face]  
  
Desdemona: What...what are you...Are you having a tea party with stuffed animals?  
  
Othello: You been cheatin' on me!  
  
Desdemona: [confused] ...What?  
  
Othello: [grabs a pillow] Dont try to deny it! You been cheatin' on me! DIE! [lunges at her and smothers her with the pillow]  
  
[Camera cuts out and the scene changes to a beach. The camera work is shaky and really bad. Camera pans over to Jerry running around the beach in his socks, underwear, a cape and a wizard hat. He runs up to the water, sticks his feet in, then giggles and runs away. A few seconds later he does it again. End footage]  
  
[Lysander is laughing hysterically while Juliet has an expression of amusement mixed with disgust]  
  
Jerry: [trying to keep his composure] A THOUSAND apologies. That was my trip to Mexico. Moving along, lets bring out our next guest: OTHELLO!  
  
[Enter Othello. Juliet and Lysander boo loudly]  
  
Othello: You don't know me! Shut yo mouth! [walks up to Lysander] Bring it on, fairy boy!   
  
Lysander: Oh you didn't... [starts standing up, but Juliet pulls him back to his seat. Lysander reluctantly sits]  
  
Jerry: [before Othello can say anything] Take a seat, Othello.  
  
Othello: Oh. Right. Thanks Jerry. [sits down. Lysander and Juliet move their chairs away from him]  
  
Jerry: So, what's the story Othello?  
  
Othello: I had it all J-dawg. I overcame the racial boundries, had a beautiful wife - finest piece of ass I've ever seen, I was livin' it up in ma crib on the Westside and I had more bling than any otha brotha I know. But then one day I found out the ho was cheatin'! No otha brotha is supposed to touch a man's girl, you know what I'm sayin dawg? [Jerry nods] So I took matters into my own hands - a brotha's gotta do what a brotha's gotta do, am I right people? [he recieves only 'boos'] Ah shaddup, you don't know nothin! Anyway...I killed her Jerry! But then I found out the rumors were whack!  
  
Jerry: [smiling and nodding] Yes, the rumors were rather 'whack' weren't they?  
  
Othello: Shut up fool. I killed her for no reason Jerry! And now I wants ta kill myself! [grabs his bling (which is a giant alarm clock on an oversized chain) and begins hitting himself in the head with it]  
  
Jerry: Whoa, don't do that Othello! Not yet, at least! Because we have a suprise for you!  
  
Othello: [starts clapping his hands and bouncing up and down in his seat] A suprise? Oh goodie!  
  
Jerry: Are you ready Othello? [he nods, hopping out of his seat and jumping up and down] Alright, here she is. [he nods] The woman you thought you killed. [he nods again] Think about that for a second. [he nods again, obviously still not clueing in.] Please give a warm welcome to DESDEMONA! [Othello's jaw drops and he looks to the side of the stage she is entering from]  
  
[Enter Desdemona, bandaged and bruised in a housecoat/hospital gown, being pushed onstage in a wheelchair by Antipholus #2]  
  
Desdemona:[smacks the security guard] I can do the rest myself, just go. [She begins wheeling herself over to Othello (who hasn't moved an inch) making a big deal of every little bit she moves, grunting and groaning. She finally comes to a stop right in front of him]  
  
Othello: Baby! I thought you was -- [Desdemona kicks him in the groin. Othello topples to the ground.] Ow...  
  
Desdemona: I can't believe you tried to kill me! There wasn't even any evidence, you moron! You believed some GUY over me! YOUR WIFE! Six months of intensive care and LOOK AT ME! I'm still in a wheelchair!  
  
Othello: [looking at the ground and muttering] Sorry...I didn't know...  
  
Desdemona: Oh you didn't know? You DIDN'T KNOW? That's it, eh? Well, this may be a crazy idea but perhaps you could've...oh, I don't know...ASKED!  
  
Othello: What would I have said!  
  
Desdemona: [mockingly] Well, gee, you could've tried this: [beckons Jerry over and tries to use him to stand up, clawing at his jacket and pulling her way up, but her legs keep giving out. Jerry tries desperately to support the flailing Desdemona] "Well honey, before I smother and kill you, have you by any chance been cheating on me?"  
  
Lysander: Dude, why'd you try to kill her? She's hot! [walks up and smacks her ass. Desdemona cries out in pain and falls back into her wheelchair. Juliet begins sobbing again and Lysander runs back to comfort her] Don't worry baby, it's all good. You're way hotter. [the two begin to make out again]  
  
Othello: Listen baby, I been thinkin'...we had somethin' good goin, ya know? What d'ya say you and me get back together? I promise I wont ever try to pop another cap in that sweet ass of yours.  
  
Desdemona: Oh, how sweet of you. Well...NO! [kicks him in the shin] I'm not that stupid! Just because I lost 25% of my brianpower doesn't mean I'll come wheelin' back to you! And just for the record, I'm STILL smarter than you are! Security! Get me out of here! [Antipholus #1 rushes out and escorts Desdemona offstage, while Antipholus #2 drags Lysander and Juliet offstage (Juliet and Lysander bring their chairs, and Antipholus takes one, leaving one onstage)]  
  
Othello: [chasing after Desdemona] Wait baby, we can work this out! ...Damn she's hot when she's pissed...  
  
Desdemona: [from backstage] Damn it, get away from me you psycho!  
  
Othello: [also backstage] Seriously, think about it! We could get rid of all the pillows in our house!  
  
Jerry: Ouch, tough break Othello...[moves to center stage, bringing the chair with him and sits down.] Though nearly all relationships begin with good intentions, through my experience I have found that the audience is more captivated by the darker side of love. They relish witnessing the bonds between lovers deteriorate. They enjoy seeing the pain and suffering lovers must go through. Yes, I have learned that tragedy is the key. Now personally, I like to end my plays with hate, insanity or death...hell, sometimes even all three! You see, as far as --  
  
[from offstage]  
  
Lady MacBeth: Whait a minute...WHAT!?  
  
Desdemona: HE's the reason we're so screwed up!  
  
Ghost of Banquo: It's his fault I'm dead! You're gonna pay Shakespeare! [wrestling cry]  
  
Othello: Cracker, you gonna have some caps busted in your ass!  
  
Juliet: Let's get him!  
  
Jerry: What? But...No! You can't do this to me! I'm a genius! Wait! Aaaaah!  
  
[everyone rushes onstage and attacks Jerry. Othello has a pillow, GoB bodyslams, LM has a frying pan or rolling pin, etc, everyone forms a circle around him. Apeilia runs around the stage. Enter Antipholus #1 & #2. They pause, looking at the fight, then shake their heads and proceed to centerstage, not bothering.]  
  
Antipholus #1: Are you a Shakespearean character with a problem? If so, please join us on your next show! [Apeilia pushes her way between the two then runs into the audience]  
  
Antipholus #2: If you would like tickets to the Jerry Shakespeare show, and happen to be in the Straton-Upon-Avon area, then give us a call at 123-409-861-43. [the twins bow. lights down]  
  
The End. 


End file.
